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In the Legend husband daddy grandpa since 1959-2011 shirt in other words I will buy this last four years, my husband lost both his parents. “Growing up, Lahore was home,” he recently told me. “At some point, the U.S. became home. Now, with Amma and Abba gone, I feel permanently displaced.” I haven’t experienced the trauma and shattering grief of rapid parental loss. But I have seen my partner paralyzed with it, his emotional reserves depleted, his walls up. His words help me understand my own relationship with the shifting condition of home. After his mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, Lahore, where he’d spent an idyllic childhood, became imbued with heaviness. Years before his mother died, his heart had carried the loss of home. Happy memories hurt, and were locked away. Unhappy memories summoned panic and guilt (for choosing to live and work in the U.S. while his mother lay sick in Pakistan). His parents’ deaths, far from freeing him from a sense that he needed to return to Pakistan, threw into relief his complicated relationship with the homeland. We got married not just in the Bay, but also in Lahore, where Bilal’s aunts and uncles enveloped him with love. I had anticipated that he would want to spend a few years in the U.S., but I hadn’t anticipated a life perennially on the move (going to Pakistan to work, shuttling to the Bay to be with my husband).
